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Jingdong book

父母离婚后:孩子走过的内心路

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本书共有5个部分,每个部分都以一位离婚之子作为主角,重现他们的从父母离异那一刻到25年后的人生历程。中间穿插完整家庭孩子的相对故事或简短描述,主要包括:平行的世界:凯伦与盖瑞,暴力的影响:赖瑞与卡萝,没有父母的孩子:宝拉等。揭开了许多迷思,也让我们再度思考婚姻的真义,如果知道离婚对孩子一生的成长造成多少遗憾的话,或许大人会更“慎始”,对婚姻与承诺会更认真。
Content Description

本书的主角是比较早期的离婚之子,后继者不计其数。自1970年以来,每年至少有一百万孩童见证父母离异,这一时代的美国人现在逐渐成年。我必须再强调一次,这群离婚之子占了全美44岁以上成年人的四分之一。根据统计,20世纪90年代的所有已婚夫妻有40%已离婚。本书谈的就是这群离婚之子的生活及我从他们身上得到的启发。全世界大概只有这项研究追踪童年父母离异的人一直到成人。从一开始我的兴趣就在探索这些孩子成长过程的内心世界,我试着从他们的眼睛去看,探讨他们周边的人际关系质量,包括与父母、继父母、情人、配偶、孩子的互动。随着研究的进行,我特别想要探讨他们在生命旅程中的转折点,以及最后如何走出父母离婚的阴影的。
本书的基本研究对象是131位孩童及其家人,最初是1971年我和同事柏林.凯利(Berlin Kelly)访问离婚家庭开始接触的。这些孩子都是来自中产阶级的家庭,经过仔细筛选挑出在校表现尚佳且父母离婚前发展正常的孩子。当然作者希望确保作者所见到的问题都不是离婚前就有的。这些孩子和父母都不是作者的患者。作者仔细追踪他们的生活,每个人都访问过好几个小时,自1971年以后至少每5年一次。我在第18 个月、5年、10年、15年的发现在前两本书里都有纪录。到第25年时作者还能联络到近80%的“孩子”,进行数个小时的面对面访谈,他们的年龄介于28~43岁之间。
书中有些知识来自我在沃氏过渡家庭中心辅导过六千多位孩童及其父母的经验,该中心是非营利机构,自1980年起为麦林郡离婚家庭提供调停、咨询与教育。20世纪80、90年代我与同事就各种议题进行前人不曾做过的研究,范围涵盖联合监护、高度冲突的家庭、婴儿的过夜探视、法庭规定的探视。我们的研究结果对国家的公共政策与法院审判带来一定的影响,也为小儿科医师、教师、社会工作者的工作提供参考。本中心在美国及世界颇具知名度,也为服务于分居、离婚、再婚家庭的法律工作者与心理专
家提供训练。
Author Description

茱带丝·沃勒斯坦,临床心理学家,1971年开始研究离婚对孩子的影响,被公认为世界上钻研此一领域的首席权威。她特别为处于这个过渡阶段的家庭设立了茱蒂丝·沃勒斯坦中心(Judithwal J erstein Center),目前担任加大学 柏克莱分校社会福利学院荣誉教授,著有《婚姻,可以很美满》、《SecondChanceS:Men,Women,and Chi 1 dren a Decade AftorDi vorce》、《Surviving the Breskup:How Chi 1dren andPaFents Cope With DiVOFCe》等书。
茱莉亚·路易士,旧金山州立大学心理系教授,并担任心理诊所和心理研究计划负责人,也是二十五年离婚子女研究计划之协同研究人。
Catalogue

导读 为下一代请命 黄廷毓
推荐 序值得慎重推荐的好书 黄越绥
作者序 倾听离婚之子的心声 莱蒂丝·沃勒斯坦
前言
平行的世界:凯伦与盖瑞
第一章 孩子成为照顾者
离婚浇不息怒火
照顾别人的孩子
父母变小了
第二章 阳光的记忆
盖瑞,筑碉堡的孩子
历史感
无形的教养结构
第三章 艰辛的成长路
一再的失去
童年的阴影
漫长的成长旅程
第四章 如果他们还在一起
在不快乐的婚姻里父母怎么做
离婚的决定应该如何告诉孩子
去或留
第五章 缺乏典范
冲突的恐惧
婚后过着快乐的日子
等待另一只鞋
离婚之子为人父母
离婚之子的成长
第六章 树立典范
夫妻学院
为人父母与健全家庭的影响
等我六十岁时,你还要我吗
暴力的影响:赖瑞与卡萝
第七章 暴力的代价
暴力的伤痕
孩子的心理
无止境的愤怒
被禁锢的卡萝
第八章 大人的疏于介入
青少年的愤怒与成人的负担
迷失的小男孩
介入暴力家庭的必要
母亲的角色’
亲子联盟
没有出口
第九章 从混乱中创造秩序
转变的故事
看不到终点
第十章 家庭的联系
父亲的评价
目睹暴力对女孩的影响

兄弟姐妹
第十一章 扭转过去
恐惧承诺
暴力的残留
机会之窗
陷入死胡同.
没有父母的孩子:宝拉
第十二章 孤单地长大
不再有安全伞
家庭结构的崩溃
最年幼离婚之子的孤单
没有母亲的孩子
第十三章 法院判决的探视。孩子的观点
负负不得正
第十四章 性与药物
叛逆
贸然投入婚姻
第十五章 亲子关系的演变
祖父的角色
搭一座桥
第十六章 监护问题依然无解
仲裁与国家政策
联合监护
婴儿与联合监护
大孩子的联合监护
重复历史
弱势的孩子:比利
第十七章 弱势的孩子
如何在离婚后保护弱势孩子
我快乐所以你快乐
第十八章 再婚家庭
再婚家庭
孩子
母亲
生父
谁来负责
亲子关系钝化
第十九章 一点一滴重建人生
消极
没有什么是永远的
当两个离婚之子结合
脆弱性格与调适能力
最完美的个案:丽莎
第二十章 不吵架就够了吗
继母
两个世界
感觉是痛苦的
第二十一章 离婚之子
母女情结
过去的阴影

一个时代的单身贵族
第二十二章 结束语
我们能做和不能做的事
给孩子的话
给父母的话
给社会的话
给法院的话
Book Abstract

一再的失去
很多人听到离婚想到的是一次失败的婚姻,孩子承受一个重大的打击,失去完整的家,但接着大人会重新寻找自己的幸福,孩子的生活也就稳定下来。但事实通常不是如此,孩子经历的不只是一次打击,而是随着父母追寻新伴侣的过程经历许多次的失去。而每一次的“过渡”(人口学家用语)都会让孩子的生活陷入纷乱,重新回忆起第一次痛苦的失去。根据研究,“过渡”经历的次数愈多,孩子受到的伤害愈大,因为每一次失去的经验都会累积起来。人们往往忽略了孩子的生活究竟陷入怎样的混乱。法律上我们有一、二、三、四次结婚、离婚的纪录,却无法计人中间多少同居、半同居的关系。孩子看待父母的新恋情往往掺杂着兴奋与焦虑,如果正值青春期,更会引发难以压抑的性冲动。在我们的研究里,很多少女就是在父母陷入热恋时开始她的性经历。不管喜欢或讨厌,孩子会细心观察父母的新伴侣,希望从对方身上找寻未来的线索。于是他们会积极地扮演红娘、批评家和观众的角色,非常积极地介入其中。一个母亲约会回家可能发现子女睡在她床上,孩子们先前都已表明不喜欢她的新男友,她当然知道孩子在暗示什么。很多新伴侣会特别注意孩子的观感,常带礼物讨好。但即使是最讨人喜欢的叔叔阿姨也可能突然消失。事实上带着孩子再婚、离婚的几率比第一次婚姻还高,因此孩子通常并不是跟着父母经历一次离婚、一次再婚,而是几次或许多次的恋爱后又失去或终于稳定下来。
凯伦的经历是很典型的,她的继母对孩子很好,但结婚三年后便突然离去。之后凯伦的父亲陆续交了四个女友,每一次女友的离去都让他非常痛苦。凯伦的母亲经过三段不顺利的情感后再婚,但只维持了5年。显然凯伦和弟妹经历的不只是一次离婚,他们的童年就是不断看到父母从恋爱、失去到痛苦。凯伦的弟弟30岁时告诉我:“婚姻是什么?不过是一张纸和一枚戒指,爱情只是让人心碎。”
根据我们的研究,131个孩子里只有7人的父母再婚后婚姻稳定,且孩子和继父母和对方的子女维持和谐关系。三分之二的孩子在成长过程中都看到父母(一方或双方)经历数次再婚与离婚。这个数字还不包括中间许多同居关系与短暂的恋情。很多经历离婚的孩子认定爱情都不会持久,我们听到了还能感到惊讶吗?
童年的阴影
我翻到凯伦父母离婚后15年的受访纪录,脑中浮起她哭泣不止的样子。当时她坐在我办公室的沙发上,手肘放在膝盖上,两手支着脸,诉说她和同居男友尼克的关系。
“我犯了一个严重的错误。”她把一张湿透的面纸揉成一团。“真不敢相信我会落到这步田地,根本从一开始就错了,我一生最大的噩梦竟然成真。那是我从小到大最怕发生的事,结果呢?”凯伦两手握得紧紧的,骨节都泛了白。
……

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