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KingStone

【繁體】我輩中人:寫給中年人的情書

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KingStone

【繁體】我輩中人:寫給中年人的情書

Name: 【繁體】我輩中人:寫給中年人的情書
Brand: KingStone
SKU: 3136000931
Price: 25.92 USD
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内容簡介

── * 張曼娟首次書寫中年的覺醒．幸福的定義 * ──
超過260萬人搶讀按讚的文章；
引發4、5、6、7年級生熱烈討論的專欄。
從青春無敵的《海水正藍》走向人生半百的《我輩中人》，
這個不上不下的生命階段，該有什麼樣的風景？

人到中年，常發覺有許多的延宕：
那些要做的事、該說的話；想愛的人，都被延宕了……
已經來到下半場的我們，怎能不好好彌補？
——張曼娟
中年，是歲月的累積；
大人，卻是人生的修為。

中年歲月，其實比想像中更為漫長，
我們將從哪裡出發？
將會抵達哪裡？

中年是家庭的承擔者；中年是老年的起點；
中年有覺醒的力量；中年之愛閃亮激昂；
中年可以通達、自由與自在；中年是走向渡口，尋找一條船──
那條船能穿越歲月的湍急洪流，
使我們成為真正的「大人」。

大人不必討好他人；不必與全世界和解；
不再等待成功；不再追求名利，
因為確實明白，真正重要的是什麼。
睿智、慈悲、雋永；
「大人」的存在，就應該要閃閃發亮。

自序 | 我輩中人──寫給中年人的情書

壹。通往大人的路
01 消失的中年人
02 大人，其實很漫長
03 獨立心時代
04 延宕的上半場
05 那些無常教我的事
06 眼花撩亂心瞭然
07 我的妙嗚人生
08 不生氣也不爭氣
09 找回遺失的自己
10 自私是一種美德
11 相愛的條件
12 第九十九夜
13 有些大人沒長大
14 通往天堂的階梯
15 熱血的中年人
16 瀑布下的歌聲

貳。照顧著老去的父母，才真正理解人生
01 後來我們都認了
02 還沒有忘記的愛
03 下一棵聖誕樹
04 沒有勝利者的戰爭
05 最後一里的送行者

叁。中年人愛讀書
01 野渡無人舟自橫
02 欲海無涯，唯愛是岸

內容試閱

◆還沒有忘記的愛
自從母親失智的情況愈來愈明顯，我便調整自己的活動，更多一些時間留在家裡，讓她能感覺到我的存在。當我在廚房料理了晚餐，還為母親沖泡了菊花枸杞冰糖茶，看著她喝完一杯茶，服食了中藥，逗弄了一陣心愛的貓咪。七點半左右，為了讓我可以工作，於是，她到客廳看電視，將近八點的時候，我聽見她問印籍家務助理阿妮：「曼娟回來了嗎？」
這時候我不得不放下手邊的創作，走到客廳對她說：「剛喝完我的茶，妳就忘記我嘍？」
母親笑嘻嘻的：「咦？妳回來嘍？什麼時候回來的呀？」
「回來好久嘍。」這種時候也沒什麼好解釋的，更不用強人所難的讓她想起我回家的時間，她能夠記得我是她的女兒，還牽掛著我回家沒有，已經很令人感激了。
「妳回家了，那我就要去睡覺嘍。」母親心滿意足的說。
每一天，都會有不同的情節，讓我知道，她正一點一點的從生活常軌上偏離，就像一個迷路的人，迷失在空間與時間中。
前一天晚上，我九點多進門，看見母親依然坐在沙發上，早已過了她的睡覺時間，我很驚訝的問她為什麼還不睡覺？
「我要等妳回家，妳回來了真是太好了。」母親欣慰的說。
這兩年如果她的心情不太好，就會特別渴盼著我回家，看見我開門進來，甚至會像小孩那樣開心的鼓起掌來。
這時的母親沒有鼓掌，也沒有很開心，顯然有什麼事正困擾著她。
阿妮走過來對我說：「我一直跟奶奶說，不要等了，去睡覺，奶奶說她一定要等妳。」
阿妮走開之後，母親壓低聲音對我說：「我們的床不夠睡，所以我決定要睡在沙發上。」
「妳為什麼要睡沙發？為什麼不上床睡？」我也壓低聲音。
「我跟妳說的話妳沒聽懂，床位有問題，我們四個人不夠睡啦。」
我拉著母親起身，回到他們的臥室。與父母同住了五十幾年，他們的房間永遠是最大間的主臥室。阿妮為了夜間照顧父親，也睡在同一間的單人床上。雙人床的一邊睡著父親，另一邊空著，那原本是母親的位置。
「妳應該睡這裡呀。」我對母親說。
「那阿妮睡哪裡？」母親問。
我指著阿妮的床給她看，她臉上有著焦慮的表情。
「這樣的話，妳要睡哪裡呀？」
「媽！我有自己的房間呀。」
我牽著母親去看我的房間，她終於鬆了一口氣。
「喔，原來這裡還有一間呀，那就沒有問題了。」
母親忘記了家的樣子，即使在家裡，她也迷路了。當她安心的回房睡覺之後，我在寂靜的客廳裡，茫然的站立片刻，這時候應該覺得傷心了嗎？應該要哭了嗎？可是我並不想哭，也不想讓自己傷心，因為我知道，一切才正要開始。
我意識到的是，母親一直都是個替人著想、願意犧牲的人，她以為床不夠，於是她決定睡在客廳。不是我睡客廳，也不是阿妮，而是她自己。哪怕她已經在時空中迷失了，還是顧念著他人。
我決定把自己的意識安放在這個意念上。
◆找回遺失的自己

五十歲之後，很多懸而未決的事都漸漸確定了，我知道自己將會在城市生活中「孤獨老」，而後也會「孤獨死」，但我並不懼怕孤獨，因此也不覺得這是一件悲慘的事。
中年的我已經明白，人生難免一死，而在邁向終站之前，如何安排自己的生活，不致有太多遺憾，這才是重要的事。
曾經，我也是不快樂的。當我努力符合別人期望，去扮演另一個人的時候；當我把別人當成生存目標，忘卻了自己需求的時候；當我太渴望別人所擁有的東西，忽略了自己也有珍貴特質的時候。總而言之，當我不是我自己的時候，我就不快樂。
一個人如果不能做自己，不管擁有多少別人羨慕的東西，不管爬到多高的地位，都不會快樂，因為那不屬於你，也不是你真正想要的，於是，回首人生只感到空虛。
．．．
「一個人想要『做自己』，就算傷害了別人也無所謂嗎？」每當我在臉書或是公開場合提到「做自己」，就會有人不以為然的質疑。
我也覺得疑惑，「自己」到底是什麼樣的洪水猛獸？忠於自己就一定會傷害別人嗎？為了不傷害別人，我們不能做自己，只好一輩子偽裝成另一個人，直到老後，壓抑的情緒一股腦爆發開來，憤怒、委屈、怨天尤人，成為一個可悲的老人。
所謂「做自己」，就是不再為別人的期待而偽裝。
但是，真正的自己，是否符合我的期望？我做了真正的我，能得到別人的接納與喜愛嗎？有時不只是別人，就連我們自己，也會對自身產生期待，如果真正的我，不夠完美，不討人喜歡，又該如何？要接受真正的自己，也是需要勇氣的。同時得相信，真實的自己比偽裝的那個人更好，更有存在的價值，更加可貴，更值得愛。我們想要變得更好，為了讓自己更好，我們不會任性，不會蠻橫無理。我們會更有同理心，更能體貼別人的需求，最重要的是，我們能保持個性，能發揮生來就具足的才能與潛力。
三十幾年前，我出版了第一本書《海水正藍》，封底有張作者黑白照，是燈影下的半張臉，似隱若現，這本書暢銷之後，讀者就有了一個既定印象，覺得我是個長髮披肩、穿著飄逸、感性又浪漫的女作家。二十幾年前我就剪短了頭髮，直到現在仍有讀者見到我時，露出驚異的表情：「妳不是長頭髮嗎？」
不是，我不是長髮；我不再是年輕女作家；我甚至也不那麼浪漫。讀者會不會因為我不是長髮，就覺得我的演講不值得一聽？會不會因為我不如想像中浪漫，就覺得我的書不值得一讀？迄今，這樣的事還沒發生過。
我的短髮已成為個人風格了，想飄逸就穿裙子，想帥氣就穿褲裝，對於做自己這件事，愈來愈有信心。
當一個人決定做自己之後，做自己的時機就愈來愈多了。

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