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KingStone

【繁體】我將前往的遠方

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KingStone

【繁體】我將前往的遠方

Name: 【繁體】我將前往的遠方
Brand: KingStone
SKU: 3136012451
Price: 25.78 USD
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★金鼎獎、中時開卷獎、台灣文學金典獎得主，最新深情力作
郭強生 獻給單身初老的一首情歌

人生，是一連串的回顧、整理、繼續前行。
單身無伴的郭強生，在人生下半場，進行了一場深度的自我整理。
父子關係、情感關係、事業生涯、人際關係……
人生到此，那些可喜可泣、可恨可悔的種種，都要經過這一場整理，始能安然放下。

人生這場戲，演得再賣力，還是會曲終人散。
到頭來，仍得面對自己的孤獨。

有一種孤獨，是因為求之不得；
另有一種孤獨，是心安理得，專注在認為值得的事情上就好。
五十而知天命，不是因為能未卜先知，而是漸漸知道，
哪些人哪些事，已經與自己無關。
可不可以從現在起，專心求一個自在就好？

我們也許曾錯過一個家，
失去過一個家，
忘記了某個家。
但在五十歲之後，我們都在回家的路上。
黃金歲月中，為了冒險，我們曾經離去。
銀光中，為了回家，仍然是一場冒險。我們還要再勇敢一次……

不再逃避生命底層我們終須面對的告別與毀壞，
之後才是療癒真正的開始。

無法記得有多長時間，我活成了一個不斷退守的人。努力隱藏自己的不快樂，用孤獨，築起高牆。直到三年前連串變故，逼我鼓起勇氣，面對自己。所有的相守或相忘，都是注定的緣分。緣分比情字更強悍，我如今才懂得。

我控制不了任何事。包括自己的結局。但還能改變的人，或許才是自由的。我清楚意識到上一段與下一段的人生中間，有一道顫動的影子，如水波微光的邊緣。我發現，自己正站在人生的另一個起點。一如我的心跳，穿越了記憶，也正穿越著未來。

推薦序靈魂被放逐的父親陳芳明／政治大學講座教授
推薦序漫遊城市荒原凝視每個暗夜──無繼承者人生的孤獨浮世繪鍾文音／作家

PART ONE 欲靜風止的時光
老日子
我們都失智
更好的人
感謝孤獨

PART TWO 高年級的生活練習
老味道
長照食堂
老收藏
我的夜市家族

PART THREE 那些年不懂的事
晚春與秋暮
美麗與慈悲
粉筆與華髮
故鄉與異鄉
荼蘼與玫瑰

PART FOUR 我將前往的遠方
做自己
老確幸
不老紅塵
重新計時
年年

後記 Life Goes On 郭強生

各界推薦／推薦序

名人推薦

陳芳明、鍾文音專文推薦

郭強生的文字在最動人的地方，總是節制著自己的感傷與濫情。那是一種困難的自我挑戰，最後他都一一克服了。他即將前往的遠方，不就是我們每個人準備出發的共同目的地。他寫自己，也寫了所有中年人的感情。年老如果是一種創作，我們都正在提筆書寫。──陳芳明／政治大學講座教授

郭強生回應命運的方式是寫作。他天生敏感過人，寫黑暗如吟遊詩人，在命運的荒原，靜下來觀察慯痛的原貌，找出家族與自己的源頭處，面對孤獨傷懷而毫不遮掩。郭強生延續悲傷書寫，將怪手挖進孤獨的小宇宙，不惜以揭開傷口來對應長繭的人心時，因此他克服了許多人的恐老症與面對無常的新手慌。──鍾文音／作家

內容試閱

【長照食堂】
也許是心中一個傻氣的假設，認為只要父親吃得好，身體就會有抵抗力，不容易生病。只要有正常進食，表示身體無病痛，心情也還可以。看他怎麼吃，吃多少，成了我觀測他每日身心變化的重要依據。
那一陣子父親吃得越來越少，起初以為是他的咀嚼或吞嚥出了問題。觀察了一陣子，好像又不是。
慢慢才發現，父親好像在掩飾著什麼。
放在面前的菜，他看不清楚了，所以他不動筷，因為不知道該往盤中的什麼東西下箸。
我明白了。父親記憶雖衰退了，卻仍有自覺，擔心自己會顯得老殘，所以寧願不吃也不要吃得狼狽，吃得哆嗦。
這樣的情形持續多久了？我心中十分不忍。如果早點發現就好了。但是之前在家的時間太少，看護根本不會注意這樣的問題。
我跟新來的看護說，用餵的吧！
但是父親堅決不肯，還是要自己來。
被餵食，對他而言應該是另一項自主能力的繳械，所以抗拒自己成了類似癱瘓，只能呆呆張口的無能老人。
還是要給他一雙筷子，即使他不用。
不能用湯匙餵，湯匙讓他覺得等同失能。
我監督著，看著印傭慢慢練習用筷子，一口菜，一口飯，而不是飯和菜都放在湯匙裡，一股腦全塞進父親嘴巴。
我持續地觀察，希望能找出讓父親接受有人「協助」他進食的方法。
要把盤子端到他面前，問他：「爺爺，吃魚好嗎？」「吃小黃瓜好嗎？」......我這樣告訴印傭。
要讓父親覺得，吃什麼不吃什麼，還是由他來決定。

又老了一歲的父親，很多東西嚼不動了，菜單必須重新設計。於是，除了時時在想菜單，我也開始自己發明菜色。
豆腐是絕對少不了的。不得不佩服老祖宗的這項發明，簡單的乾煎，放進蔥蒜、醬油與一點糖，燜上一會兒起鍋，其實就很美味。
冷凍蛋餃不光是火鍋食材，配我的煎豆腐，加上韭菜，就成了另一道自己發明的新菜。黃色的蛋餃，白色的豆腐，青綠的韭菜，小火紅燒一下，色香味俱全，我把它取名為「金玉三鮮」。
豬絞肉容易帶筋，後來我都改用雞肉做丸子。這時豆腐又派上用場，肉裡加進豆腐、蛋白與太白粉，可增進它的滑嫩。混進剁碎的薑末就可以去肉腥味。加入洋蔥末，軟中帶脆，可以讓口感更好。
一包絞肉可以做十個丸子，但父親一餐只吃得下一個，怎麼辦？所以，先把丸子丟進滾水中汆一下，不等它全熟便立刻撈起，放涼之後，裝進一只只小塑膠袋裡，然後冰櫃冷藏，這樣丸子就可以保持柔嫩。
鮮蝦剁碎成泥，也可做成蝦丸子或蝦餅。但是蝦泥裡要放進一點肉末，增加它的硬度，否則下鍋會成一攤漿。摻入薑末蒜末去腥之外，紅蘿蔔切成碎丁混入蝦泥也可以增加甜度與鮮度。
蝦泥可以捏成小丸子，跟豆腐一起燉成海鮮煲。或是捏成漢堡狀，放在鍋上煎熟，最後灑上一點迷迭香的碎末。另外，也可以把豆腐切厚片，中間剖開，把蝦泥鋪於其中，放進電鍋蒸透......
這費心設計出的食譜，我暗自希望，或許能讓「家還存在」仍為事實。
我以為，這些菜色就像是不需言語確認的感情，我相信父親吃得出來，那是我們共同的記憶。
但，這畢竟只是我的期望。
每道菜的做法我也就示範過那麼一次，之後印傭也有了自己的意見與創意，做鴨血的酸菜拿去煮雞湯，蒸肉餅時用的豆豉被省略，蝦丸與冬瓜配了對......每一道菜都開始走了味，或是說，慢慢添進了她的味道。
(原來那樣煮爺爺不愛吃，她總會這樣解釋。)
雖然沒法監控每餐菜色的口味，但至少我可以陪伴。
現在的我，遇到沒有工作耽擱或應酬的日子，用餐時間除了外食，現在還多了一個選項：回家吃飯吧！
對於二十歲的人來說，回家吃飯可能是父母剝奪他們自由的無理要求。但對五十歲的我而言，那既不是天經地義，也不再來日方長。

有朝一日，當我也已白髮蒼蒼，或許在某個時刻腦海仍會恍惚閃過，誰曾是最後與我同桌用餐的親人。
是枝裕和有部電影「下一站，天國」，他想像一個人死後的世界，在進天國前有七天時間讓死者考慮，選出人生中最難忘的一刻，然後那個場景會被重建拍攝，讓死者可以帶著這份記憶進入天堂。當來來去去的靈魂都完成了這個要求，男主角卻始終留在片場，放棄了進入天堂的機會，因為他拒絕做這樣的選擇。
三十多歲看這部電影時，我就一直在心裡唸著，換了是我，我選不出來我也選不出來......如今二十年過去，我終於明白原因何在。
因為沒有任何美好的記憶是需要被重建的。
最深刻的記憶其實更像是一種味道，混攙在許許多多人生不同階段、不同時空的際遇裡。它之所以深刻，不是因為在某個當下的千金難買，而是在未來人生的許多酸甜苦辣裡，都淡淡地留有它的影子。

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